(But that’s the most important thing).
For a really long time, I claimed it wasn’t necessary. I claimed it wouldn’t worth it, that I wouldn’t need it. I guess it was the fear. The fear of being judged, of being too soppy, too emotional, too needy. I don’t need pity. And of course, there was this question (quite influenced by Morrissey, I admit) : “What difference does it make?”.
While I was quite open about it, I didn’t see the point in sharing my survivor’s story.
Two days ago, I came across a survivor’s story. Her words were harsh, her experience really different from mine, her way to cope was the total opposite of mine, but the pain was the same.
On the same day, I read about a manifesto a French politician is about to launch, helped by a French Magazine (Le Nouvel Obs). The idea is simple: get our voices heard, tell the French politics scene and justice to change the way rape and sexual assault survivors are treated during and after the report. Get the population to know we exist, that we shouldn’t be ashamed. We’re not ashamed. Whether it happened when we were teens, when we were 45. No matter what we wore that day. Every single story we’ll share is the only thing that matters.
So, I started to wonder if could, one day, be able to write it down. Then I realised that some of the characters I created shared that “survivor feelings” (my feelings, to be more precise. We all feel things differently). My characters know the loss, the emptiness. They’re sometimes way too self-guarded, they sometimes walk with a big hole in them.
Maybe one day, I’ll write. Maybe I’ll turn my story into another story.
Maybe I’ll help breaking the silence. Help getting free.
That’s the point.
(for further reading, in French : http://tempsreel.nouvelobs.com/societe/20120711.OBS6807/viol-l-appel-de-clementine-autain.html)